You thought he was the light of your life, but then it all came crashing down. Whether the breakup was messy, consensual, or anything in between, the fact is you still miss him and all you want is to get your ex boyfriend back and you are going out of your mind being away from him.
In this emotional state you’re probably not thinking straight. People in this situation make VERY poor decisions that will only make things worse and irreparably ruin any chance you have of salvaging your relationship.
Luckily, we’re here to help you learn how to get him back fast.
We’re going to save you from yourself, force you to think before you act, and focus on rebuilding the relationship from the ground up rather than suggesting you just keep throwing yourself at his mercy and begging him to take you back (NOT sexy).
Get Introspective – Why did the relationship end?
Take your shoes off, close your texting app, or walk away from your computer. Whatever you were planning to do to communicate with him right now, just stop – that’s NOT how you’re going to win your ex boyfriend back.
You two broke up for a reason (or several reasons), and no matter how much you tell yourself it was a mistake, a misunderstanding, just a moment of anger, or whatever else, the fact is that HE believes the relationship was worth ending and in his mind it’s (mostly) over.
Before re-opening communication with him, it’s important to seriously think about the situation from his point of view.
Ask yourself some of the following questions, and be as brutally honest as you can. If you feel comfortable discussing these with a close friend, they may be able to offer some extra insight that will help you.
What was great about the relationship?
What made you especially happy while you were with him? More importantly (yes, more), is what made HIM especially happy when he was with you? Maybe you both loved cooking together, taking long drives, and of course, sexy time.
With the benefit of hindsight, what were some problems in the relationship?
No, it wasn’t perfect. In fact, it was so far from perfect that he ended it. Stop telling yourself he was wrong for doing that, and start thinking about things from his point of view.
He probably gave you some idea what was wrong, either by being upset leading up to the breakup, or during that last conversation.
Accept that without addressing these issues your relationship will be doomed to fail again.
Think seriously about how you can discuss these things, what steps you can take to address them, and, most importantly, how you can use them to get your ex boyfriend back when you show him that you’ve changed.
Focus on yourself
The last thing a guy wants is for a girl he broke up with to start professing her love, telling him she can’t live without him, and begging him to take her back.
Whether you believe it or not, breaking up with you was HARD for him – more-so if you had a long and serious relationship. The last thing he wants is to be reminded of the pain he caused you, and reminding him of exactly that will only force him to avoid you in order to protect himself.
That’s why it’s time to focus on yourself. Go out with friends, take some fitness classes, play some sports, do whatever makes you feel like a complete and happy person. Still miserable? Fake it ’till you make it.
When you finally get in touch with him, you want him to see a happy, confident person who believes that life with him would add to that happiness, not fix all of her problems.
He fell in love with you for a reason, and it wasn’t because you were desperate and needy. Seeing you happy and enjoying life will remind him that he used to feel the same way when he was with you.
Get in touch slowly – subtlety is the key
You understand why the relationship failed and you’re currently kicking ass at life in general. You’re ready to get back in touch with him.
VERY IMPORTANT: You have to have a reason for getting in touch
Under no circumstances should you message him on Facebook or send him a text saying “Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while and I was just thinking about you and wondering how you’ve been lately. Drop me a line sometime”.
His first thought will be “Oh my God why is she messaging me? We broke up, what does she want?”
This is where subtlety comes in. You want to gently remind him about how happy you two used to be, show him you still exist and that you’re thinking about him, and that there’s nothing hidden about why you’re contacting him.
Here’s how you do that:
Think of some place/thing/event/whatever that was an especially happy day for the two of you. Maybe it was a restaurant you went to, a day-trip you took, a movie you watched, or a club you went to.
You want to remind him about this thing by asking a question. Let’s use a restaurant as an example – you might write something like:
Hey, I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I had a quick question for you. My friend Janie at work was telling me her husband never takes her anywhere nice anymore and asked if I had any recommendations for a romantic restaurant. I always loved that little French place we went to for our anniversary (even though it was raining when we left and we got soaked on the way home!).
I wanted to tell her to go there but I couldn’t remember the name – do you know what it was called? Thanks for the help, hope everything is going well.
Because you’re not asking anything for you personally, he shouldn’t have a problem answering. You’ve also reminded him of a special night you had, AND he gets to be the hero and help out your friend.
Now, if he ignores you, that’s probably a pretty clear sign that he wants nothing to do with you, and you may want to just accept that you’re not going to win your boyfriend back.
If he writes back and tells you the name, judge what kind of answer it is. If it’s one word – the name of the restaurant – this would be another indicator that he’s being polite but doesn’t really want to talk to you.
If, on the other hand, he writes back and tells you the name and adds any kind of fond memory he has, or asks what you’re up to, then you’ve got the green light to carry on with the conversation.
Keep it going, but keep it casual
One the ball is rolling, you want to keep hitting him right in the nostalgia. Choose your ‘restaurant’ carefully and have some follow-up related memories you can talk about (like how after you got home you were both freezing so you made hot chocolate and huddled under blankets on the couch).
Remember you’re still not asking for anything, just gently opening up the gate to renewing the relationship.
Ask for a non-date date
After a few back-and-forth’s you should have a good idea of how open he is to speaking with you. Be objective here. If he’s just being polite and you know from being with him that he hates confrontation or hurting people’s feelings, then maybe he’s just trying to spare you both some awkwardness.
If you’re actually having a conversation and he seems to be enjoying it, it’s time to ask him to meet up. Tell him it’s been fun catching up like this and why don’t you guys meet up for a coffee or something.
This has to be CASUAL. Don’t invite him to your place or suggest a spot that has a lot of loaded memories.
It’s also a good idea to meet for a closed amount of time, such as during your lunch break. That way if things go badly you have a good reason to leave, and if they’re going well you can cut it short and have an excuse to do it again.
When you meet up, your goal is to show him the new, confident you. Don’t throw it in his face of course, but you want him to see all that confidence stuff we talked about above.
Also, be genuinely interested in his life. What has he been up to? New job? New friends? New hobbies? New projects? Listen as much as possible and encourage him to talk about himself.
You want him to feel comfortable with the meeting and remind him why you were together for so long.
Be the person he fell in love with
If non-date date #1 goes well, it’s only natural to keep that going. Again, you want to focus on building the relationship from the ground up, and don’t ever expect things to jump back to how they were.
You’ve both changed, and all you should be looking for is progress. THIS is how you will win your ex-boyfriend back.
Above all, you want to show him that you’re still the person he fell in love with, AND that the reasons he broke up with you are ancient history.
Ideally he’ll start questioning why you actually broke up, and pretty soon he won’t be able to remember why. You’re well on your way to getting your ex boyfriend back.