Part 1 of ‘How to get your ex back’, learn to decide if you SHOULD try to get him/her back, and exactly what NOT to do to get there.
I’m very excited to bring you a series of articles about one of the most asked about topics here – how to get your ex back.
I receive emails from distraught readers all the time who have had their heart broken and are desperate for information on how to get their ex back.
In this series of articles you’ll learn what you absolutely should NOT do, how to get you ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend back, as well as how to identify signs that your ex wants YOU back.
Did You Know?
99% of the time people make mistakes within the 72 hours after a breakup? YES, it is and because of that, they completely failed to get back with their ex. So, please read this part very carefully. (trust me, it’s worth sticking around for)
Should You Even Try To Get Your Ex Back?
Face it – not every relationship deserves to be saved, and not every ex deserves to be chased. Our culture (and movies specifically) try to convince us that as long as you’re “sure” he’s the one, that your breakup is just a temporary step backwards.
By stepping up your game, you’ll always be able to win him over and convince him to come back/leave his wife/whatever.
Real life tells a very different story. Not every relationship has to end in anger and resentment, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t end.
To start, you have to get critical, analytical, and objective. This might be a tall order if you’re still in a fragile emotional state, but it’s important to separate from your emotions temporarily to help you think clearly.
1. Ask why it ended
No, don’t call your ex up and ask – you should already know the answer. Breakups are tough for both people involved, but there was probably some sort of open and honest discussion where they told you what they weren’t happy about.
Was the catalyst for breaking up a one-time incident or the culmination of some kind of on-going behavior? If it was a one-time mistake, maybe your ex over-reacted or got scared and thought bailing on the relationship was the only choice. In this case you might be able to salvage things with a long, open discussion.
If the breakup was because of an ongoing issue such as cheating, abuse, drugs or alcohol, laziness, or differing priorities, it’s unlikely that getting back together will solve anything.
These are generalities of course, so you’ll have to look at your specific situation.
2. Talk to your friends
Love really does cloud our thinking. Think of one of your friends who made terrible decisions for their partner, even while you and all their friends were shaking them to try and show them just how stupid they were being. Well, there’s a CHANCE that you’re that person right now.
Assuming you have friends who can actually help you (not the kind who want you to stay broken up because they’re tired of you not going out clubbing with them or because “you’re more fun when you’re single”), ask for their honest advice.
Did they support the relationship when you were in it? What do they think about the reasons you broke up? If your partner asked for you back, what do they think you should say?
Always remember that you friends may not know the whole story and may just be trying to make you feel better, but if you trust them to be good sounding boards, have the talk and see what you learn.
3. Are you scared of being alone?
The longer you’ve been with someone, the harder it is to imagine life without them.
Do NOT mistake that fear and uncertainty for evidence that you’re meant to get back with your ex.
4. Take some time
It’s natural to want to go back to what you know right away. But taking some time and getting some distance can really help you sort out what’s going on. Go out and meet new people, reconnect with old friends, and gain some perspective.
Casey broke up with his girlfriend, Stephanie, after his company transferred him to an office over 3 hours away. He knew he had to take the job, and figured a long distance relationship would never work.
Stephanie was crushed, and spent weeks upset about it. She spoke with some friends and really took time to think about her life and her priorities.
In the end she realized she really did still love Casey and would do whatever she could to make it work. She knew the reason they broke up had nothing to do with compatibility or betrayal – it was simply a job situation. She got back in touch with Casey and ended up going to visit him.
She soon learned that he was just as miserable as she was, and in the end he quit his job and moved back to their home town. He’s making less money now, but they’re together, and happier than ever.
Sandra broke up with her boyfriend, Dan, after he came home drunk (again) and was too sick to go to her sister’s house for Thanksgiving the next day.
When Dan didn’t drink he was the sweetest, most supporting guy Sandra could ask for. She knew he had a drinking problem, but always assumed they could solve that together. This was the last straw, but after kicking him out, she started to doubt herself. She talked to her friends and soon realized that every sign pointed to Dan never changing.
She knew if she tried to get him back she’d spend the rest of her life being dragged down by his dependency, and that, as hard as it was, she was better off without him.
It can go either way, but if you’ve thought about all of these things, taken some time, and still want to be with your ex, then it’s time to get started!
What NOT to Do to Win Your Ex Back
We’re going to break down the things you should not do to win someone back, but they can be all summed up as: Don’t be weak.
Crying and saying you can’t live without them, that you’ll do anything they want, and begging are all huge turn-offs and will never work.
Even if your ex takes you back, it’ll be because of pity, and that’s not a very solid foundation to a relationship.
1. Begging and/or saying you can’t live without him
For some reason people think that telling someone they’re your only reason for living is a compelling reason to be with them.
Most people would claim they’d never resort to begging, but it’s amazing how quickly being brutally honest can turn into begging for the listener.
Kelly admitted to us that she made this mistake, with disastrous results. She wrote:
I was just so lost when he broke up with me. I couldn’t imagine not being with him, and I figured I should just put my cards on the table and be as honest as possible. I told him I still loved him, and that I thought he still loved me.
I told him I knew I could make him happy if he gave me another chance, and that I’d do anything he wanted to make sure he was happy to be with me.
He said he’d think about it, but I knew as soon as I left that it would never happen. What’s more, I was disgusted with myself. I’d basically told him I’d be whatever he wanted me to be, ignoring all of my priorities, morals, and standards.
I’d blown it, but I learned a lot about myself. Most importantly, I learned that while you might think you’re being honest, there are better ways to communicate that leave you feeling strong and confident rather than weak and submissive.
NEEDY people are unattractive. People might feel sorry for that mangy dog that looks at you with the sad eyes, but they really want the dog that’s fun to be around, that has their back, and that they’re proud to be seen with in the park.
2. Unwanted Communication
Whether it’s drunk-dialing him when you’re out with your friends, showing up at his work with lunch, or texting him non-stop, all you’re doing is annoying him, making him feel uncomfortable, and reminding him why he tried to break up with you.
The truth is you’re acting desperate and being pushy at the same time.
You don’t have a strategy and he has no reason to change his mind.
We’ll get to strategy later, but the KEY here is to not let your fear prompt you to further sabotage any chances you have of getting back together with him.
Jennifer wrote about some disastrous mistakes she made when trying to get her ex boyfriend Keith back.
I didn’t want him to forget about me. I tried to send him casual texts, but they always came out a bit weird. Like I’d have lunch and eat something that he liked, so I’d send him a picture of it. I thought it was cute, but when I thought about it later – what was I trying to do?
I finally backed off of doing things like that, but was pretty sure I’d ruined any chance I had of getting back together with him. I’m taking my time now and will try to re-open communications naturally when I think the time is right.
3. Extreme Jealousy
You’re still upset and you hear from a mutual friend that he’s dating someone else. You know what the adult way to handle this is, but instead you slam her on Facebook, tell all your friends that she’s a whore, and do everything you can think of to sabotage his relationship.
What exactly are you expecting to happen? Do you think he’ll see what you’re doing as charming?
That he’ll realize you’re so in love with him that you’re resorting to being a crazy bitch to convince him – and that it’ll work?
It’s natural to be sad and uncomfortable when your ex dates someone else, but there are good ways to handle that and bad ways. Jealousy is not sexy, and bitterness and anger are just sad.
Carol wrote us about how obsessive she got about her ex’s new girlfriend.
I sort of knew who she was (friend of friends). I really believed she was wrong for him and convinced myself I was ‘helping’ him by getting him to see who she really was.
It blew up in my face completely.
Our friends all think I’m a crazy person, and in the end I realized she was ‘wrong’ because she was the opposite of what I was – which, it turned out, was what he wanted. I should have spent more time improving my own life rather than worrying about his.
Hopefully you’ve thought a lot about your unique situation and whether or not salvaging the relationship is really the best thing for you to do.
If you’re convinced it could work out, then keep reading to learn some specific strategies to put your best foot forward and show your ex your best version of yourself to win your ex back.
You’ve also learned that juvenile behavior, desperation, and jealousy might be your instinctive reaction, but they’re definitely NOT what you should be doing to get back together with your ex.