So you want to end the affair, but don’t know how? Read this to find out how to minimise the pain and distress of ending an extra-marital affair.
Many men, and women, may have extramarital affairs, but they do not have to mean the end of the marriage.
Many people regret the affair and want to end it, but don’t know how, without hurting everyone involved. There are ways of minimising the distress and pain of ending these affairs, so read on for some help in getting you there.
Once you have made the decision to end the affair, there are many steps to go through to help you to make the correct decisions at what can be a painful time for everyone involved, and here are some of them:
1. End all contact
This is the first thing you MUST do; of you do not, it will only prolong the agony for everyone concerned.
Of course, if you work with this person, that may not be easy, but you will need to see your boss, and try and work out if there is some way that you would be able to work in another department, or branch, maybe.
Ending contact also means deleting text messages, their phone number, pictures on your phone, and anything else that may be a reminder of those so-called ‘happy times.’
Get rid of these, and then there is no temptation to re-live any of the times that you shared; this also goes for e-mails and any other forms of communication.
2. Have Some Time Spent in Reflection
Why did you have the affair?
Do you love your spouse?
Would you allow this to happen again?
How would you feel if it were your partner who had been having the affair?
You need to think carefully about all these questions, because very few people will have an affair when they are totally happy in their married life; it does happen, just not very often.
If you do not want to be in this position again, think carefully as to what led you there in the first place. Was it lust/boredom/just because you could get ‘away with it?’
If you are serious about saving your marriage, think about all these things; even if you need to go and sit in a library or somewhere else that’s quiet, and then do so. [Read – Top 15 Tips On How to Save Your Marriage]
3. Work On Your Marriage
By now, you should already have an idea as to why you embarked on the affair in the first place, and you need to honestly ask yourself what was wrong within your marriage whereby you allowed things to get to this stage.
Rarely is an affair the results of just one person’s actions; did you feel neglected emotionally or sexually?
Did you feel that your partner didn’t have time for you, or that the children were more important?
Children would be far happier with one happy parent than living in an argumentative household; conversely, they also deserve to be brought up (wherever possible) by both parents. [Read – 10 Effects of Divorce On Children and How To Deal With It]
Ask yourself how you can make things better in the future: could you arrange for the children to be looked after by grandparents/family friends, so that you can have a quiet weekend away, re-kindling the spark in your marriage? [Read – 35 Brilliant Ideas To Make Him Addicted To You Forever]
4. Think About the Future
Where do you want to be in five or ten years’ time? Do you want to be with your partner and children, and grow old together?
Think about what attracted you to them in the first place; especially sexually. Did you both become boring in the bedroom?
Try and add some of the excitement that was there in the first place; accept that people’s bodies’ change with age, and having children; embrace those changes.
After all, you have stuck together so far, you know each other inside and out; why would you want to start all that ‘getting to know you’ trauma all over again?
5. Be Honest, With Yourself, and Your Partner
Being able to move on necessitates complete and utter honesty; you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror.
Do you like what you see there? Do you think you deserve honesty and respect?
Well, so does your partner; if they have been questioning you for some time about the possibility of you having an affair, and you have lied and said ‘No,’ think about being honest.
How would they take it?
Will they be glad that they were not going ‘mad,’ and seeing things that weren’t there? Will they be able to forgive, if you show that you really are sorry, and want to move things on?
Only you can really answer that unfortunately; I cannot do that for you.
6. Consider Getting Some Outside Help
Many people need an impartial third party to help them through this traumatic time; this is why it is not a good idea to ask family or friends; they are bound to be biased to either one of you.
An impartial third party (Counseling, or Marriage Guidance) can listen equally to both sides, and help you both to see where, and why, things went so badly wrong.
They can also give you coping strategies to get through this period, and show you ways in which to move on.
7. Stick With Your Decision
Once you have made your decision, then stick with it. Do not flit back and forth between the two parties; it only serves to prolong the agony.
If necessary, get a different set of friends, if the ones you have are ‘joint friends;’ do not force anyone to make a choice between you; that is fair on no-one.
Go to different venues; do not go to a restaurant and sit there and mope, thinking ‘we used to come here.’ Find somewhere else to eat, period.
8. Work on Your Sex Life With Your Partner
Let’s face it; you were attracted to each other in the first place; what turned you on about them way back when? Chances are, that they still have the elusive ‘it;’ it just may have got a bit ‘blurred’ over time.
Did your partner used to love you taking time over foreplay, and now it’s a quickie, in the dark and under the covers?
Had you always wanted to watch porn together, or play at some different ideas, like bondage? [Read – Tempting Light Bondage Ideas To Achieve an Powerful Orgasm]
Talk about it, and then agree to do it, and then DO IT! Spice up your sex life, and you will wonder why you ever went astray in the first place. [Read – 7 Fun and Sexy Games to Spice Up Your Relationship]
I am aware that this is not a comprehensive guide, but hopefully it will help you through some really hard times, and assist you to move on with your life.
Please spare a quick thought for the person you had the affair with though; you must have had some feelings for them, so do not be nasty and blame them; they deserve some respect as well, and also deserve for you to keep away, once you have made that crucial decision.